Small steps and huge climbs

You could say this has been a year of steps. Small steps to get through the day, little steps forward, physical steps in fields and on hills, alone and with friends. There's been difficult steps I wasn't sure I could make, strides forward that seemed impossible, and huge achievements I never would have thought I could make at the end of last year.

 

 

Over the last few months I've delivered introductory sessions on emotional resilience to hundreds of young people, and they left me reflecting on my own coping strategies. The sessions are simpler than you might think. I talk about building a bank of positive wellbeing activities, and remembering the small things you can do everyday to boost your mood. As simple as it sounds these can be invaluable steps to building your own emotional resilience.

At my lowest point last year I woke up every morning having barely slept, feeling like just getting through the day was going to be impossible. I'd come downstairs, make a coffee, and then another, and another, and another. I'd breakdown, I'd cry, and then I'd put on Netflix and switch off all my thoughts. I'd stay that way for hours, thinking only about a TV show for as long as I possibly could. Perhaps initially that doesn't sound very positive at all, but think of it this way, I got through the day, and the one after, and the one after that. Looking back I can see that I was defaulting to some of my most basic coping strategies and habits. In my day to day life when I wake up and need to find the energy to get myself geared up for work, I start the day with a coffee. When I've had an insanely busy week and have got home late and exhausted, I crash out in front of Netflix and totally switch off. These are the things that sometimes help we through a normal day, and they were the things that I just about managed to cling to when it felt like everything else had fallen away.

Eventually I drank less coffee and watched less TV. I managed to get outside, to go for a walk, to reach out to others, and to let myself feel a little more each day, both the good and the bad. I managed to go for a run and felt the biggest sense of momentary freedom and release. I wrote, I drew, I painted, I ate, I slept, I did the washing, and sometimes I drank coffee and watched Netflix. I built myself up bit by bit, and I keep doing it again, and again and again. Building that internal strength isn't a one off process, it's something that we have to keep doing, and always be mindful of. Striving to never have to battle for it is an impossible task, we can only hope to have the strength and the resilience to keep going.

For me the walking and the running turned to training. I completed two 10ks and a half marathon. An amazing hiking team was formed, we walked the peak district, we conquered the Yorkshire 3 peaks, and this weekend we took on the big 3 climbing Ben Nevis, Scafell Pike and Snowdon. We battled weather, emotions, the dark and exhaustion, and as a team raised an amazing amount for a very important cause. It took every bit of strength, resilience, grit and determination I had to battle those mountains. So this morning, now that I'm safe and warm at home, I've drank lots of coffee and watched lots of Netflix.

Keep stepping forward everyone, we all have our challenges, some large and some small. Cling to what you need to when things are tough, be kind to yourself, remember how important it is to do what you love, and make the most of all the amazing moments when they happen.

Closure is an opening up...

One of the most difficult things about moving forward can be letting go. There's the things you are happy to get rid off that you leave in the past with ease, there's the new things your excited and eager to get to that take up most of your thoughts for a while, and then there's the small things you hadn't even realised you were clinging to; the habits and routine, people and places; things you feel you shouldn't want to give up, things that mean there's no going back.

I think sometimes truly letting go can feel like you're devaluing what previously mattered. If you leave something behind, close the door completely, then what was the point of all that time, that work, that effort, those feelings, those values? Change can be tricky when it's spotted with flashes of the past, memories you always want to keep, and moments where you realise the door has been locked and some things will never be quite the same.

Then today I read "In many ways, closure is an opening up, another part of the journey toward authentic existence that points toward the future, incorporates the past, and validates the present level of feeling"(Landy, 1994, p.134). I guess there's never such a clear cut off between something you have and then something you let go off. The past will always matter; it'll steer you now and imprint on your future. Letting go transports you forward but the importance of the past doesn't disappear as without it you wouldn't have got anywhere.

Landy, R (1994) Structuring a session In Dramatherapy, concepts, theories and practice, ed. Landy, R Springfield,Il, USA, Charles C. Thomas

Remembering all that a year can bring

It can be easy to forget how much has happened in a year.  I have a tendency to crave something new and exciting and I also sometimes have a very hazy sense of time.  I'll say things like "I really need a holiday. It's been ages" when in fact I was only away about 6 weeks ago, and I sometimes feel like events were forever ago when in reality it's been less than 12 months.

Today's October 20th 2012 and this time last year:

• I'd only just registered my limited company
• I'd never been to Derby
• I hadn't yet turned the big 30
• I hadn't choreographed a dance piece in 10 years
• My hair was red
• I hadn't sailed the Whitsundays or herded cattle on horseback
• I'd never been on holiday with my oldest friends from school
• I'd never been clubbing until 6am
• I hadn't seen in the New Year in another country
• I hadn't picked up an academic book in years
• I'd hadn't even thought about running a half marathon
• I'd never eaten crab or prawns
• My mum wasn't engaged
• One of my closest friends wasn't married and another wasn't expecting her first child

Those of you who like me have a habit of getting restless probably don't look back very often but sometimes I think we should.  In the last year I've walked away from things that weren't making me happy, I've taken trips I've always wanted to, made memories that I'll always remember with my closest friends, moved to a new city and taken on challenges I never thought I would.

Looking back can help us remember all the great things we've done and also remind us that things that may seem almost impossible right now probably aren't.  After all, who can really predict what could happen in a year.

Knowing your limits?

A week and a half ago I ran over 13 miles and completed the Royal Parks Half marathon in London.  It was a fantastic feeling to cross the finish line; to have achieved what you've been working towards in such a measurable way. The atmosphere on the day and the complete strangers cheering their support really does push you on.  I had visions of literally collapsing in a heap once it was over but despite my legs turning to jelly once they stopped moving I was bursting with energy inside.

It was probably nearly 10 years ago that I first attempted running outdoors. I remember a friend and I rocking up to the Sweaty Betty running club in Kensington and struggling to breath after the first ten minutes jogging round Hyde park.  I remember 5k feeling like a really long way when I completed my first race and I was probably just as proud of myself back then for what was at the time a huge personal achievement.

Anyone that knows me knows I certainly haven't spent the last 10 years running.  After a few 5k's here and there I pretty much left it that.  That felt like my limit.  Even just last year running a half marathon was definitely one of those things other people did.  Yet somehow, chatting to my 2 friends in our holiday cottage by the sea after the 3 mile run we'd just done together, running over 4 times that distance seemed perfectly achievable!  And it was that simple really. The decision had been made and just like the supporters on race day we pushed each other on.  We started the training and didn't look back.

It seems I sometimes don't know my limits at all.

I think I often have a habit of underestimating how far I can push myself, of what I'm able to to if I really want to.  I'd get so far, push myself slightly out of my comfort zone and then take that initial accomplishment and stop there. You could say that's still more than a lot of people do.  I definitely try new things, dabble in new hobbies, try out a different approach. It's keeping going that's harder for me;  taking that next jump and leaping out of that new found comfort zone. Perhaps's it's the difference between stretching your limits and not thinking of them as limits at all.

This year has certainly got me closer to that. Things that once seemed like nice ideas or daydreams are feeling more and more real; more concrete; more reachable. In the same way that the 3 of us definitively deciding to sign up for the half marathon suddenly had me standing at a start line I never thought I'd be at, truly deciding to make changes in my life has opened up so many new options.  I'm suddenly at the start line of a path so far away from the one I was on a year ago.  Perhaps I'm learning to leap after all?

Oh and in case you think I'm getting lazy or falling into those old habits we've signed up for the full 26 miles and will be taking part in the Edinburgh Marathon next May.  Stay tuned for training progress :)

What is creativity?

I've talked a lot about creativity over the last year or so.  About wanting to rediscover it, to remember how it felt, to remember why it's important.  But what do we really mean by creativity?  How does that side of us develop, and does it for everyone?

In my last post I talked about the decision I'd made to go to university, and now I'm here.  In a new city, in a new house, a completely different schedule and whole new set of priorities.  Priorities largely based around creativity, my personal creativity.  From day one we've been asked to look at ourselves, explore our own thoughts, our own responses, our own feelings, because I guess at its core creativity is unique to each of us.

"Creative people" may often have similar traits, similar passions and a mutual appreciation for similar things.  Society may deem certain activities to be creative, from finger painting at a young age, to musical and artistic talent, the ability to write, to draw, to capture a moment with photography or film.  There are so many outlets for expression of creativity, but I think it's the process of creation that is probably most important.  To create something out of nothing.  Is that perhaps the real beauty of creativity regardless of the form it takes?

The other big question is how does someone become a creative thinker and where do they learn the skills to express those ideas.  Can it be learnt or is it inherited?  There's so many elements that can come into and influence a persons creative process; a desire to learn, to explore, natural talent, trust, the ability to really see, to listen, to let your mind connect the dots as it see's fit, time, space, encouragement, even often support.

On of my big observations of late has been, for me, environment, space and inspiration play a big part. From finally leaving the office and having space for new thoughts to form in my head, to sheltering from the rain on my own in a hostel on the other side of the world.  From hearing the passions of like minded people, to creating a group choreographed piece with people who were complete strangers 3 hours earlier.

I think when I talked about rediscovering my creativity it really wasn't about finding the time to learn photography, taking that extra dance class or picking up a paintbrush again, it was about creating the space in my head to let myself think, to not feel guided or conditioned down a certain chain of thought, to relax and trust myself enough to let the real me speak up, and to believe in those creative thoughts enough to let them develop.

So the current plan is to surround myself with creative influences, allow myself to experience as much as possible and let my expression of all of that grow out of nothing.  The process of creativity; the journey of exploring and expressing mine.

Notebook edit - 24th March 2012

To have a piece of their heart they can never take back.
To be trapped in their thoughts when you've no reason to be there.
To be the memory that feels real, no matter how old it grows.
To be the image they see when they're falling asleep.
Beyond time, beyond words, beyond promises made.
To finally find that love that won't fade.

From my notebook - May 2011

...She throws herself forward as she spins and falls
A blur of motion madly hitting the walls.
Longing for a movement to help her take flight.
A solid intention with the end locked in sight.
To feel every moment that's lost in the blur.
Lifted in slow motion, the sensation would free her.