Remembering all that a year can bring

It can be easy to forget how much has happened in a year.  I have a tendency to crave something new and exciting and I also sometimes have a very hazy sense of time.  I'll say things like "I really need a holiday. It's been ages" when in fact I was only away about 6 weeks ago, and I sometimes feel like events were forever ago when in reality it's been less than 12 months.

Today's October 20th 2012 and this time last year:

• I'd only just registered my limited company
• I'd never been to Derby
• I hadn't yet turned the big 30
• I hadn't choreographed a dance piece in 10 years
• My hair was red
• I hadn't sailed the Whitsundays or herded cattle on horseback
• I'd never been on holiday with my oldest friends from school
• I'd never been clubbing until 6am
• I hadn't seen in the New Year in another country
• I hadn't picked up an academic book in years
• I'd hadn't even thought about running a half marathon
• I'd never eaten crab or prawns
• My mum wasn't engaged
• One of my closest friends wasn't married and another wasn't expecting her first child

Those of you who like me have a habit of getting restless probably don't look back very often but sometimes I think we should.  In the last year I've walked away from things that weren't making me happy, I've taken trips I've always wanted to, made memories that I'll always remember with my closest friends, moved to a new city and taken on challenges I never thought I would.

Looking back can help us remember all the great things we've done and also remind us that things that may seem almost impossible right now probably aren't.  After all, who can really predict what could happen in a year.

Knowing your limits?

A week and a half ago I ran over 13 miles and completed the Royal Parks Half marathon in London.  It was a fantastic feeling to cross the finish line; to have achieved what you've been working towards in such a measurable way. The atmosphere on the day and the complete strangers cheering their support really does push you on.  I had visions of literally collapsing in a heap once it was over but despite my legs turning to jelly once they stopped moving I was bursting with energy inside.

It was probably nearly 10 years ago that I first attempted running outdoors. I remember a friend and I rocking up to the Sweaty Betty running club in Kensington and struggling to breath after the first ten minutes jogging round Hyde park.  I remember 5k feeling like a really long way when I completed my first race and I was probably just as proud of myself back then for what was at the time a huge personal achievement.

Anyone that knows me knows I certainly haven't spent the last 10 years running.  After a few 5k's here and there I pretty much left it that.  That felt like my limit.  Even just last year running a half marathon was definitely one of those things other people did.  Yet somehow, chatting to my 2 friends in our holiday cottage by the sea after the 3 mile run we'd just done together, running over 4 times that distance seemed perfectly achievable!  And it was that simple really. The decision had been made and just like the supporters on race day we pushed each other on.  We started the training and didn't look back.

It seems I sometimes don't know my limits at all.

I think I often have a habit of underestimating how far I can push myself, of what I'm able to to if I really want to.  I'd get so far, push myself slightly out of my comfort zone and then take that initial accomplishment and stop there. You could say that's still more than a lot of people do.  I definitely try new things, dabble in new hobbies, try out a different approach. It's keeping going that's harder for me;  taking that next jump and leaping out of that new found comfort zone. Perhaps's it's the difference between stretching your limits and not thinking of them as limits at all.

This year has certainly got me closer to that. Things that once seemed like nice ideas or daydreams are feeling more and more real; more concrete; more reachable. In the same way that the 3 of us definitively deciding to sign up for the half marathon suddenly had me standing at a start line I never thought I'd be at, truly deciding to make changes in my life has opened up so many new options.  I'm suddenly at the start line of a path so far away from the one I was on a year ago.  Perhaps I'm learning to leap after all?

Oh and in case you think I'm getting lazy or falling into those old habits we've signed up for the full 26 miles and will be taking part in the Edinburgh Marathon next May.  Stay tuned for training progress :)

What is creativity?

I've talked a lot about creativity over the last year or so.  About wanting to rediscover it, to remember how it felt, to remember why it's important.  But what do we really mean by creativity?  How does that side of us develop, and does it for everyone?

In my last post I talked about the decision I'd made to go to university, and now I'm here.  In a new city, in a new house, a completely different schedule and whole new set of priorities.  Priorities largely based around creativity, my personal creativity.  From day one we've been asked to look at ourselves, explore our own thoughts, our own responses, our own feelings, because I guess at its core creativity is unique to each of us.

"Creative people" may often have similar traits, similar passions and a mutual appreciation for similar things.  Society may deem certain activities to be creative, from finger painting at a young age, to musical and artistic talent, the ability to write, to draw, to capture a moment with photography or film.  There are so many outlets for expression of creativity, but I think it's the process of creation that is probably most important.  To create something out of nothing.  Is that perhaps the real beauty of creativity regardless of the form it takes?

The other big question is how does someone become a creative thinker and where do they learn the skills to express those ideas.  Can it be learnt or is it inherited?  There's so many elements that can come into and influence a persons creative process; a desire to learn, to explore, natural talent, trust, the ability to really see, to listen, to let your mind connect the dots as it see's fit, time, space, encouragement, even often support.

On of my big observations of late has been, for me, environment, space and inspiration play a big part. From finally leaving the office and having space for new thoughts to form in my head, to sheltering from the rain on my own in a hostel on the other side of the world.  From hearing the passions of like minded people, to creating a group choreographed piece with people who were complete strangers 3 hours earlier.

I think when I talked about rediscovering my creativity it really wasn't about finding the time to learn photography, taking that extra dance class or picking up a paintbrush again, it was about creating the space in my head to let myself think, to not feel guided or conditioned down a certain chain of thought, to relax and trust myself enough to let the real me speak up, and to believe in those creative thoughts enough to let them develop.

So the current plan is to surround myself with creative influences, allow myself to experience as much as possible and let my expression of all of that grow out of nothing.  The process of creativity; the journey of exploring and expressing mine.

Notebook edit - 24th March 2012

To have a piece of their heart they can never take back.
To be trapped in their thoughts when you've no reason to be there.
To be the memory that feels real, no matter how old it grows.
To be the image they see when they're falling asleep.
Beyond time, beyond words, beyond promises made.
To finally find that love that won't fade.

From my notebook - May 2011

...She throws herself forward as she spins and falls
A blur of motion madly hitting the walls.
Longing for a movement to help her take flight.
A solid intention with the end locked in sight.
To feel every moment that's lost in the blur.
Lifted in slow motion, the sensation would free her.

WIP....Dancing with her memories

...Time suspended, spinning in circles
She waltzes round as the world moves on.
The sound of rain falls around her
She feels his lips seconds from hers.

Spirit lifted, heart slowly pounding
She prays she can always keep up the turns.
For she'd never trade her memories
Never forget their short, but perfect, dance.

From my Notebook - 26/09/07

... Silver songs of sordid tales

Nightmares harped by nightingales

Sing of hope and fear combined

The highs, the lows, enlaced, entwined

Without the lies who needs belief

Without our doubts would you reach as deep

Our rain, our stars, our storm, our beach

Your core to keep.  True heights to reach.

Time flies when you're making changes...

When I started this blog last April I had every intention of recording things as they happened and yet suddenly its March 2012.  Nearly a year on and I haven't added a single post!  I have written - scribbled down thoughts, started to type the stories, worked on poems - but it's only now I find myself back here.

So what does nearly a year of experiences look like?  Well I made the big move and quit my job last summer.  I spent 3 months contracting part time, got involved in some fundraising for a local charity, spent some quality time with family, found some new dance classes, took more photos, had horse riding lessons, rode a bike by the sea, and then just after Christmas I jumped on a plane to Australia for a 2 month adventure.

I gave up my routines and habits.  Tried to wipe the canvas clean and take a fresh look at how I really wanted to spend my time.  It's been eye opening to see how clear things can become when you truly stop, sit back, look and most importantly listen to yourself.  It sounds so simple when I put it like that, but I know only too well how difficult it can be.  The noise of your life can get in the way and that feeling of clarity can feel a million miles away.

But here I am, back home, gearing up for the biggest leap yet and that hazy doubt of the past has cleared.  In September I'll be going to university to take the first step towards a completely new career path.  A huge change and a huge commitment.  There are nerves and there's fear of the unknown but it's wrapped in excitement about the uncertainty, anticipation of the possibilities and a desire to experience every second.  The fast forward reflex has gone and I'm ready to live and love each day again.  To enjoy what I'm doing in that moment, with a plan in mind, but with the focus on the here and now.