Working out the steps

Reading back over my first post I instantly remember why it was so useful to write it down and why, even though it may sound like a simple statement, it’s been such an important realisation and what prompted me to record my thoughts on here.

I've spent most of my life making plans.  I have this continual need to work out what's coming next; what is it that I should be doing next, what’s the next step up, what’s the next item that needs to be ticked off the list.  It's worked in a lot of ways.  I make decisions and move forward, collecting achievements and praise along the way. But somewhere along the line I've forgotten the point of it all.  I've been absorbed in the end result for so long I've forgotten how to enjoy the doing and completely lost sight of what it is that I actually want.

Perhaps I felt that I needed to justify why I made decisions or perhaps planning the next change created a sense of control and freedom. Focussing on taking action and not sitting still can sound very proactive and empowering on the surface, but ultimately it's been exhausting and, for me, completely unfulfilling.

I've spent a long time thinking through what was wrong.  What's wrong with me, what's wrong with my life, what's wrong with the people in it, what do I need to change, what do I need to do more of, what do I need to do less of.  It started as quite a pragmatic approach relying on my old habits to try and 'fix' the situation I seemed to have ended up in, but somehow I slowly remembered, or perhaps truly learnt for the first time, that it's how I live my life that makes me feel true to who I really am.  It's not feeling guilty or doubting or questioning what I know deep down is true to me.  It was shocking to realise how little I've experienced of that and scary to think about how much I may need to change and rethink.

I find myself trying to jump to that end solution again and catch myself imaging that final destination where everything is resolved, but I know it’s the small steps that are most important right now.  It’s been the small things that I've found most pleasure and most answers in over the last year of reflection.  An unplanned meal out alone, a dance class, a weekend in bed, a walk in the park; simple moments where I've remembered a different version of myself.

And so this blog is to help me stay on track.  It's a place to record every small moment, to learn from them and remember they have as much value as the big end goals.

A new beginning?

For as long as I can remember I’ve had dreams of achieving something more than what surrounded me. Something different to what I've known. I dreamed of seeing the world, of success. An exciting career, a different life.

I have travelled more than most, I've had fun and I've achieved, yet I still feel so far away from that dream. So now when I think back to what was behind those hopes and ambitions, when I look back from my stand point now, I see it a little differently.

I had wanted to get away, to live something different, be somewhere different, be someone different. But I think it was the thought of taking that leap, of living that change that made me feel alive. I felt the rush inside that I so desperately wanted. I felt free. I felt me.

The highs so far have been amasing but they are perhaps like a Viennese waltz. Sweeping, uplifting, with beautiful irresistible moments. Exciting in its own way, but the exhilaration of a leap, that's a completely different sensation.

When you jump in dance class, really jump, you move, you travel, with energy, with freedom but also with control. You are not hurling yourself, you’re not falling, you leap. You feel the power, the intention and then each and every moment in the air, almost in slow motion. You land purposely, moving seamlessly and freely into the next move. You feel every step. That feeling, the feeling you get in that moment, in that movement, that's what I had wanted. That's what I still want.

And so here I am, really needing to leap and hoping I have the strength in my legs to pull off the move.