Working out the steps

Reading back over my first post I instantly remember why it was so useful to write it down and why, even though it may sound like a simple statement, it’s been such an important realisation and what prompted me to record my thoughts on here.

I've spent most of my life making plans.  I have this continual need to work out what's coming next; what is it that I should be doing next, what’s the next step up, what’s the next item that needs to be ticked off the list.  It's worked in a lot of ways.  I make decisions and move forward, collecting achievements and praise along the way. But somewhere along the line I've forgotten the point of it all.  I've been absorbed in the end result for so long I've forgotten how to enjoy the doing and completely lost sight of what it is that I actually want.

Perhaps I felt that I needed to justify why I made decisions or perhaps planning the next change created a sense of control and freedom. Focussing on taking action and not sitting still can sound very proactive and empowering on the surface, but ultimately it's been exhausting and, for me, completely unfulfilling.

I've spent a long time thinking through what was wrong.  What's wrong with me, what's wrong with my life, what's wrong with the people in it, what do I need to change, what do I need to do more of, what do I need to do less of.  It started as quite a pragmatic approach relying on my old habits to try and 'fix' the situation I seemed to have ended up in, but somehow I slowly remembered, or perhaps truly learnt for the first time, that it's how I live my life that makes me feel true to who I really am.  It's not feeling guilty or doubting or questioning what I know deep down is true to me.  It was shocking to realise how little I've experienced of that and scary to think about how much I may need to change and rethink.

I find myself trying to jump to that end solution again and catch myself imaging that final destination where everything is resolved, but I know it’s the small steps that are most important right now.  It’s been the small things that I've found most pleasure and most answers in over the last year of reflection.  An unplanned meal out alone, a dance class, a weekend in bed, a walk in the park; simple moments where I've remembered a different version of myself.

And so this blog is to help me stay on track.  It's a place to record every small moment, to learn from them and remember they have as much value as the big end goals.